Personal and Social Capability: Caring Punches

A fear many parents have - myself included - is that our children won't develop the personal and social capability needed to thrive as adults.  

We want them to achieve at least some of their hearts' desires, to find love and to be fulfilled in their careers.

We worry that they'll be 35 and still flicking boogers at their brother.  (Er, maybe that's just me.  Is that just me??)

So, how do we ensure they develop those capabilities?

Following is what we do in my family.  I'd love to know what you do in yours.

1. Identify shared values

When our children are babies it's hard to involve them in family decisions, but as they grow I think the aim should be to encourage their input.

Some years ago I gave each family member a list of possible values (like this one here) and asked them to individually circle their top two.

Then we came to a consensus regarding our family values.  We chose fun and peace.

It's okay for individuals to have different values, but it's great to find some common ground.

S-Man, who was in about Year 2 at the time, surprised me by writing this beautiful message on his chalkboard:

"Fun and peace make our lives complete!"

Or actually it was...

 "Fun and peas make our lives complete!"

We talked some more about what peaceful people do, and we decided to add caring as a value, too.

Living your values sets a good example for your kids.  Many people do this through churches or service projects.  Two great resources I've seen for young people in this area are ruMAD? and Expedition Class.

2. Explicitly and directly teach skills

This is an on-going process from birth and it requires modelling, using I-statements, and empathetic listening.  There's plenty of evidence for the effectiveness of direct instruction, but it hasn't come naturally for me and it's something I'm still working on.

Because our school uses the Zones of Regulation, I'm trying to use them at home.  The program helps children become aware of their emotional states and move between Zones.

During the school holidays I sometimes print out worksheets that focus on social and emotional skills, such as...

• You Can Do It! reading 
• self-discovery worksheets 
• goal-setting pages
• Dumbledore wisdom because my boys love Harry Potter.  

My kids roll their eyes, but usually end up doing the odd worksheet when they get bored!  Some kids would hate this: You know your child best.

We also occasionally use this great ACARA blog with lots of inspiring and useful videos.

Warm family time spent together doing enjoyable activities obviously helps, which is the reason I started planning fun activities like this Harry Potter Invitation to Play.  But afterschooling activities are just one way that works for us, many families have their own ways to bond. 

3. Develop a system for recognising desired behaviours

We use 'Caring Punches'.  Nothing violent!  Just a simple card and hole-punch system.

Every time our kids are caring or resolve disputes peacefully we get them to give themselves a hole punch on their cards (which are kept on the fridge).

The main value in doing this is really just that it reminds us, as parents, to catch them doing the right things and to keep it positive.

For the first few years of doing this we had a reward of half an hour of screen time, but we've recently increased the overall screen time our children get, so we phased it out in favour of a family outing or special family time together.

There are downsides to having a reward:  Obtaining the reward becomes their primary focus and it reduces intrinsic motivation.  Rewards and punishments can devolve into a controlling parenting style which research shows can have negative outcomes.

4. Conduct family meetings on a regular basis

Family meetings are a good opportunity to bond, to coach and to air issues.

In our family anyone can call a family meeting, and this is the format we follow:

• Each family member thanks or compliments the others 
• Any issues are raised and discussed
• We finish with a joke or funny story

Roo still finds it difficult to give compliments and express his issues, but he enjoys jokes!  His favourite:

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No idea!" - Click to Tweet if you're brave!

We often have family meetings on a Thursday, because that's also the day I do my menu plan for the week and I like to ask the kids what they want to cook during the family meeting.

5. Develop a system for dealing with unwanted behaviour

We use 1, 2, 3:  Two warnings and then a consequence of loss of screen time for a day.  But that's rare.

All this is just what we use, and I'm by no means an expert, just sharing, in the interests of starting a conversation and hopefully improving my own parenting.

If you have serious issues, consult a professional.  We have done that before and it was great.  Working with your school is also a fantastic way to ensure everyone is using the same strategies!

Making the world a better place starts at home.

So, to develop personal and social capability in our family, we use a combination of direct teaching of skills (I'm not great at this), shared values, punch cards, family meetings and 1, 2, 3.  I can't wait to get your ideas.  Please tell me in the comments! 

If you liked this post, you might also like How To Make Someone Feel Special For A Year.